Last will and testament of you know who

When I die
I want everyone to fill jam jars
With their tears
So those who loved me most
Will be known.
There will be a PH test
To signify those who cheated.
Any cheaters will get
Nothing from my will.
When I die
I want a hundred soldiers
To shoot at me
And cut off my head
To make sure I’m dead
And not cremated alive.
When I die
I only want my head cremated,
Then, I want my mourners
To find a north wind
Face it and scatter
My ashes into it
So my head ashes coat them
And I’m more in their faces
Then they’ll ever let me be.
When I die
I want everyone
To go around
Kicking buckets continuously
For hours while they cry.
And if they don’t do this
They won’t get a skerrick
I tell you, you won’t
Get a brass razoo!
Place the body of my carcass
On a mountaintop
For vultures to peck at,
Cast my corpse and bones
So they can be printed
By a computer and
I can be reanimated
Into some headless
Advertising monstrosity
That will fund a thousand
Starving nations to billy-o.
Carry on my name
In slap-stick and pornography,
Bedroom my last moment
Into bustle and ballyhoo,
Or you won’t get a thing
From you know who.

Initially NO (Victoria)
From Initially NO's book Riotous favour (2013)